This is eSleezy, and, with your help, it's going to become a journal of humor writing. We want to treat humor seriously. We want to be a place that doesn't reduce everything to top ten lists and a maximum seven hundred words. We want to make humor a worthwhile pursuit for great writers. more...
I made a video out of SixFive. It is twelve minutes long.
College Students: A Field Guide
The current population of college students in the US stands at an estimated 20,000,000. Despite their reputation for listlessness and poverty, college students exert profound influence over local and national economies, ecologies, and cultures. Given such a large and influential population, these animals clearly deserve more systematic study than has been hitherto carried out. We therefore present here a first attempt at a taxonomic field guide. more...
How to Build a Fighter Jet: The eSleezy Story
Building that first F15 is the central traumatic event of my life, and I've been reliving it every year since. I find or invent a project and work at it like mad until it gets difficult, frustrating, or boring. Then I start drinking. I work on it, drunk, until I get distracted by video games, pornography, or reruns of The West Wing. Then I wake up, hungover, and try to fix everything I ruined while I was drunk. This process continues for some time until I finally abandon the project altogether. Then I dry out for long enough to find a new project and begin again. more...
Buying Groceries: A How-To Guide
Most people go to the grocery store to buy food, razor blades, and feminine products. I don’t go to the grocery store to buy food, razor blades, or feminine products. I go to the grocery store to look better than everybody else in the grocery store. And I want you to look and feel as good as I do picking out a cucumber. What follows is a market methodology, a practical guide for people in need of milk, onions, and validation from strangers. more...
Seeing the World from 1.97 Meters
On or around March 1st, 1999 all my bones tried to leap out of my body. They slapped together more than 4½ inches and piled it on my head in less than a year. When you grow like that, nothing is where it’s supposed to be. Your arms are too long, so you start accidentally putting your hands into all sorts of awkward places, often near the butts and genitals of your peers. Your legs become a pair of damp noodles that sometimes do what you ask them. This is life at 6'5" more...
Human Resources: A Trip to Hell
Because Human Resources was designed as a sort of hellish boot camp, a barrier between the masses and employment that serves to strip workers of humanity before they become cogs in the machine, it got the most dreadful and accurate title conceivable. When you enter an HR department, you stop being a resourceful human and become, instead, a human resource. more...
Rules for Assholes: Lesson One
Few jobs afford a better view of the American sense of entitlement than retail work. Nobody chooses Cashier as a career path. Nobody says “If I work super hard at selling these jeans, I'll be promoted to CFO one day.” Retail workers are working for beer money. They're working to pay rent on a shared apartment with a mold problem. Give these poor bastards a break and try to follow these rules the next time you go shopping for another blouse you don't fucking need. more...